River

I dreamt of a river
In the time of no return
Flowing scarlet water
Running down a stream

It separated the earth
One side or the other
Light brightened one
Dark shadowed another

The light blinded me
With its dazzling glow
The dark blinded me
Due to its intense gloom

I felt very frightened
Unable to make a choice
Standing in the middle
Of nowhere and everywhere

A sense of peace and calm
Tempted me towards the light
While a seductive scent
Allured me to the dark

The only sound I heard
Was the sound of the river
Running along its path
To complete its journey

Its aim was not to hinder
Or to provide any help
No one was with me
And yet I was not alone

One day very soon
The choice will be made
Regardless of the flow
Or the direction of the river

When you broke me

A night so gloomy and dark
It filled me with despair
There is something not quite right
A hushed warning in the air

My senses seemed alert
As if ready for an attack
I didn’t have to wait long
As you stabbed me in the back

I turned around and met your eyes
Just wanting to understand
I tried to reach out for you
But you pulled away your hand

My heart seemed to shatter
At the intensity of my pain
My mind unable to comprehend
As it finally drove me insane

I slipped into a deep coma
Wanting to hide away
I have never been able to forget
The agony of that day

Tears dropped from my eyes
Without me being aware
As the realisation hit me
That you really do not care

A deep scar on my skin
Left by the blade of your knife
I stopped feeling anything
I gave up on my life

I continued to breathe
Yet on that day I died
And when the memories come back
There is no where for me to hide

I gave you my everything
I gave you my soul and heart
And you returned the favour
By driving us far apart

It is too late to save me
It is too late to try
And until this very day
I still do not know why

I locked up everything inside
And threw away the key
My lips never smiled again
Since the day you broke me

Gone

A dance…too heavy…took a wrong step
It hurts…its raining…where’s the light gone
I’m blind…I don’t see…I can’t
I don’t want help…leave me
I is my own person…can’t control it
Always the same…don’t go to the left
Stay ahead of it…too late…it’s too late
I’m gone…it hurts…rest
What does that mean…I do not remember
Ever…never is vague…always is too long
To be is difficult…not to be is harder
What to do…so lost…don’t find me
I don’t want to be found
Leave me…please don’t
Read and understand
Don’t ever think about it
Just understand…I’m gone
Pain is a sense…don’t sense it
Stop feeling…die…I want to be gone

But…so many buts
Chest is so heavy…cant get enough air…no air
Can’t see…can’t breathe…cant be who I wish to be
It’s better to cry than to laugh
Because u won’t be hurt anymore than u already are
Just cry…don’t care too much
Be lifeless…be dead
Be cold…be ice
I’m not yet gone
Why am I holding on
What is it…who is it
Doesn’t deserve it
They all go…they die
Left alone…so many people…but so alone
It’s not funny…just cry
Its better that way
I am really…honestly…truly…I’m gone

The voices in my head

They don’t ever stop
They don’t ever shush
Every second of every day
Day and night, night and day
On and on and on
Sometimes gentle
Sometimes harsh
At times friendly
Other times unkind
Occasionally insane
Rarely pleasant
Often dark and suicidal
Lost in the depths of despair

One is that of my father’s…
His disappointment in me
His displeasure at my actions
His disapproval of the way I think
His dissatisfaction with who I am
His irritation at the choices I make
His frustration at my stubbornness
His annoyance at my disobedience
His anger towards me

One is that of my mother’s…
Her wish that we could be close
Her hope that I would change
Her expectations from a daughter
Her optimism in a brighter future
Her determination in transforming me
Her motivation in directing me
Her regret of not pushing me earlier
Her anger towards me

One is that of society…
Its want for me to be perfect
Its need for me to play along
Its requirement of me to keep moving
Its force which makes me put up an act
Its power of making me blend in
Its harshness in making me somebody else
Its wrath against me if I say no
Its anger towards me

One is that of you…
Your hate so strong I flinch
Your resentment so true I cry
Your bitterness so real I wince
Your hostility so harsh I recoil
Your punishment so cruel I hurt
Your words so painful I ache
Your coldness so total I die
Your anger towards me

One is that of me…
I am lost forever in nowhere
I am all alone in this world
I am ugly inside and out
I am unworthy of Him
I am the cause of all their pain
I am my own worst enemy
I am what make’s me what I am
I am angry at me

The voices in my head
They don’t ever stop…

Myself and I

An ongoing struggle
Never ending
Once it’s her
Once it’s me
Win or lose
One of us hurts
Hidden inside
Let me be free

Two pairs of eyes
Don’t see the same
One world is black
The other is white
A tongue so sharp
A gentle touch
Surrounded by darkness
The other by light

She steps forward
I step back
A drop of rain
It’s all a big lie
A shifting cloud
No one can read
One wants to live
One wants to die

Two sides of one coin
Silver or gold
Self harm does it
But I can’t see
Always together
We can’t breathe
When I lose her
I find me

A tune

I move the curtains aside to try to see
But the windows are painted black
My nails scratch at its surface
But the darkness of the glass remains
Extreme anxiety overwhelms me
I need to see

My breathing becomes more desperate
The sound of my heartbeat deafens me
I try to speak...to make a sound
But the lack of air prevents it
The pain in my chest overpowers me
I collapse

From within the darkness I hear a tune
The sound of a piano surrounds me
A melody so heartbreaking...so sad
I close my eyes, I stop breathing, and I listen
A feeling of utter serenity overcomes me
I am lost

Some time later when I open my eyes
I know that my heart has stopped
I know that my breathing has ceased
I know that my life has come to an end
And yet, the only thing I miss
Is the echo of a tune...

Broken

Something inside me has broken

And I have lost all the pieces

There’s an empty hole left behind

Bleeding from cracks around its edges

Surrounded by splinters and pain

With a vague memory of what used to be

And not the most skilled of hands

Can mend or repair the fragments that remain

Rainbow

One step, two steps, drop a penny...

A rainbow lacking its colors
No blue or green or yellow or red

It begins at zero and ends in infinity
A droplet shattered into a million lights

A reflection of it when there is no it
Perception reduced to nothingness

A blind man can see it, yet I can not
As there is nothing for me to see

Different shades of grey and black
That’s what my rainbow looks like...

My World

To be surrounded by darkness
To not know the meaning of light
To have no hope, or dreams, or trust
To feel so very lost...
To put your hands up and give up
To take a step back from life
To be unable to keep a smile on your face
To be unable to let your tears drop.

To look at others through a veil
That separates you from them
To be surrounded by conversation
And yet be unable to take part in it
To feel so different, so alien
As if you don’t belong...

You don’t understand what I mean?
Enter my world...and you will.

Consequence

I ask for the reason of causing this pain
Why make me suffer in such a way?
I do not deserve to be treated in such a manner
Your words are unjustified
Your actions are inexcusable
I am tired of being hurt by you...

For the emotional pain you have put me through,
Is much worse than any physical pain you could ever inflict.
What have I ever done to hurt you?
What did I do to earn this punishment?
What makes me worthy of all this hurt?

I search and search for the answer...
And yet I can not find anything to justify it.

My only crime…was loving you...